Free therapy = writing fake Craig's List ads and posting them:

I've given up on life but I'll tell you I'm self employed... - 40

Hey, let's be honest here. All I really want to do is drink beer, smoke cigarettes, shoot pool, and jack off. I have no interest in holding down a day job and I'm sure as hell not reliable enough to pay rent. I work just enough to earn the 5 bucks it takes to get a pack of smokes and a tall 20 oz Natural Ice, and not one second more.

Life left me behind after my high school sweetheart ripped my heart out by divorcing my ass back in the 90's. I compensate by getting drunk and picking fights. I'll be really obnoxiously attentive to you when I'm drunk but I won't be able to get it up if you actually get turned on. If you're really lucky, I might even propose marriage to you the next time I'm really shit faced. No pressure though, because I won't remember it the next day. I've got grown kids that I didn't support, that don't talk to me, and I never see, but I still don't wear a rubber.

Don't worry though, because if I knock you up, I'll just retreat to the nearest bar and hide at the bottom of a bottle. You don't need to worry about me being all up in your face wanting to be part of your life or anything like that. I'm good that way. I'll give you all the space you want, and then some. Oh yeah, and don't ever bother getting mad at me because nothing is EVER my fault. Don't worry if I never call you when I say I will because I do that to everyone. It's one of my endearing quirks.

Oh, and when you finally decide you've had enough and leave, I'll call you up at 5:30 in the morning to say 'goodbye' so I can guilt trip you into driving across town at dawn to save my supposedly suicidal sorry ass. Too bad I won't remember the phone call by the time you get here. Say, could you hand me a beer?

Bitter drunk cripple seeks neurotic codependent enabler

I'm an angry, emotionally stunted quadriplegic looking for a submissive doormat with low self esteem to perform light housework and receive verbal abuse. Interested candidates must submit sweetly to all my rants, rages and other outrageous demands. I'm trying to drink myself to death, you should try to keep up or at least keep the shots coming... I'm confused and conflicted about my own sexuality, so that even though things work perfectly fine down there, I am too inhibited to have heterosexual sex with a willing woman. Instead, I will make wildly inappropriate comments and grope and fondle you indiscriminately whenever I can, preferably in public. Oh, and I'll probably spend a lot of time ignoring you while I play video games.

Amazingly, I actually got an answer!

Subject: I think I am in love

My darling, you are the man I have been dreaming of! You sound perfect, except I not only get off on being verbally abused, I need to be beaten as well. How would you beat me? Headbutting? Also curious, how do you play video games? with your tongue? I will anxiously wait for your response. This is just too good to be true, sigh.....

Your submissive doormat, Jane

I did respond, but I never heard from her again:

My dearest Elizabeth Jane, There are different levels of crippledom, as you must know. In my particular case, I have full but weakened movement in my arms and hands as the paralysis ends halfway across my nipples. I can spend hours holding a shot glass or playing online fantasy games - you just watch me! Frankly, you assume that a lovely vixen such as yourself would hold my interest and passion long enough to be beaten.

Sadly, I have suppressed all normal emotions to the point where I am merely a drunken caricature of a human being and no longer have the ability to look past my own frustrated needs and desires to see those which you so obviously possess. I would be flattered at your interest if I could get past my own self loathing bullshit far enough to fathom it. Really, the way you throw yourself at me, it is kind of disturbing. Maybe you could just fuck my friends for awhile instead...how does that sound?

In nihilistic disdain, G.I. Joe