Feel the Love - Jokes & Humor

dear mother management

nospam@example.com () — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:55:29 -0600

Left this on all the copy machines in my department; it was on every supervisor's desk by noon.

Tired of feeling like a human being?

Want to be treated more like a number?

Welcome to BullShit Insurance Company!*

Systematically destroying employee morale since 2005

No longer do employees have to feel uncomfortable experiencing the excessive freedoms and perks commonly granted to adult employee's in our company's past. We can at long last relax and be the children that we are, since extensive planning and research my our new management team has resolved any need for us to have independent thoughts or actions.

No longer do we have to worry if we are dress appropriately because management has thoughtfully applied a one-size-fits-all dress code policy for us to conform to. And a good thing, too, since many of us were hitherto unaware of the evils (or even definition) of flip-flops. Locked away from the public eye, we were lost in the isolation of our comfy clothes and relaxed attitudes.

Management has even been so considerate as to provide us with rules on what, where, and how to spend our free time. As with clumsy children, we have shown ourselves to be incapable of eating and behaving properly at the "grown up table"; therefore they have removed that burdensome challenge from us. Now we are all one big happy family eating together in that warm, cozy, and fragrant environment known as the break room.

Non smokers rejoice! Smoking has been banned not only from all indoor areas, but even outdoors as well. Talk about progressive! Management graciously provided THE BOX for the convenience of the dozens of social outcasts who continue to foul our air with their loathsome habit. But, should you thing that too generous, don't worry! Since management can't actually condone such a filthy habit, a compromise was made - we won't actually let the smokers sit down! (Just to be thorough, we're not allowing them to walk around, either.)

If one thinks back, one can remember the dark days when you could actually see groups of coworkers sitting at tables eating and smoking, talking and laughing, enjoying their time off together. To further prove our disdain for this disgusting subclass of employee, we have ensured that 8 empty tables are visible right across from the designated smoking area, unused except in the memories and imagination of our marooned smokers. And that's not even counting the half dozen or so forgotten tables within the inner courtyard, all non smoking.

Most of all the new management at BS Insurance* CARES. They care so much that it is now required for employees to leave their desk for breaks and lunch. The 10 minute and 40 minutes sitting in front a computer for personal use are apparently responsible for any workman's comp and ergo issues employees may have been experiencing - not the 7.5 hours of tedious production work as we had previously thought. And the internet: as it turns out, using the internet on breaks and lunch is also too much for our brains and bodies to take. Thank you, sweet mother management - for doing so much to save us from ourselves so consistently and without us even asking. I feel so loved.

*name changed to protect my ass from getting sued.

the Jay Wiseman Guide to Erotic Masturbation

nospam@example.com () — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:51:48 -0500

So, I saw over on FetLife that Jay Wiseman will be presenting the class "How to Masturbate a Man" on Friday, November 6 at Cat's House in Sacramento. Now, I love Jay to death, but given his well known fetish for safety and having taken a few of his classes myself, I couldnâ??t help but envision what that course outline might look like. Iâ??m thinking it might go something like this:

How to (safely) Masturbate a Man

Have man fill out a detailed medical history, to include lists of medications and allergies and phone number of primary physician.

Obtain signed waiver of liability.

Obtain signed certificate of consent to masturbate.

Gather all appropriate safety gear - goggles, gloves, wipes, condoms, lube, sanitizer, cellphone, flashlight, solar powered radio, fire extinguisher, fresh drinking water, extra batteries, spare keys, towels, etc.

Inspect the area for prior damage. Have him initial any preexisting conditions on the appropriate form.

Show your laminated CPR and first Aid recertification card.

Fax copies of all paperwork to home office, best friend, attorney, and safe deposit box.

Download 4 hour Jay Wiseman safety lecture and watch together while securely seated at home. Do not tilt chair back while watching. Do not eat or consume fluids while laughing or yawning as this may constitute a choking hazard.

Wake man back up.

Carefully grasp man's penis.

Never cut off the blood flow to the penis. This could result in permanent damage.

Never allow penis to block your airway. Breath play is no joking matter.

Never leave the penis alone or in heavily restrictive bondage. Most penis accidents result from being left alone and in bondage.

Commence safely stroking penis, after having first checked to make sure the phone is on speed dial to emergency services, the stove is off, the door is locked, the kids are gone, and the husband is asleep.

greener grass

nospam@example.com () — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 12:10:45 -0500

the 60's revisited

nospam@example.com () — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 23:09:26 -0500

Some of the 60's hits are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Herman's Hermits ---Â Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker..

Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip..

Roberta Flack --- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon --- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.

The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem ---Â A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations ---Â Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba ---Â Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando --- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry if I want To.

And Last but NOT least

Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again

---found on the internet

William Shatner gives Sarah Palin's tweets a poetic reading

nospam@example.com () — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 04:51:35 -0500

Conan O'Brien rightly noticed that @AKGOVSarahPalin's often incomprehensible twitstream was, in fact, stream of consciousness poetry and he brought in the right team for the job to demonstrate. I can almost smell the coffee and patchouli in the background.

respect your elders (or else!)

nospam@example.com () — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 01:29:40 -0500

A lady was video taping her son riding a skate board when her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the street.You can hear the lady who is doing the taping giggling as she records the event.

Watch (short) video clip here.

The lesson, boys and girls? Don't fuck with little old ladies.

what will your pets do when the rapture comes?

nospam@example.com () — Fri, 01 Aug 2008 02:10:50 -0500

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ksc/725674463.html

the great escape

nospam@example.com () — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 02:08:09 -0500

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings"...

I had no Monet

to buy Degas

to make the Van Gogh

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I posted it here because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

kickin it at the office

nospam@example.com () — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 03:06:57 -0600

So politically incorrect...gotta love it:

http://www.youtube.com/v/qrAcPneu8BI

right wing role play

nospam@example.com () — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:40:40 -0600

I can watch this over and over and over again.

why guys can't get laid (part III)

nospam@example.com () — Mon, 05 Nov 2007 08:38:46 -0600

received this blunt missive today:

"I'd luv 2 fuck your tits and your sweet boobs!!"

um, which first?

why guys can't get laid (part II)

nospam@example.com () — Wed, 24 Oct 2007 08:58:55 -0500

Just received this follow up on my CN&R ad:

"i forgot to mention i live on 30 succuluded fenced acres with a looked gate near bangor i have in my back yard a large oak tree i installed hooks in the tree for suspention and flogging.you will love it lets take advantage of these warm fall afternoons."

You know, on one hand that sounds lovely. On the other hand, it creeps the living fuck out of me. I mean, I like bondage and all and I'm fairly sure I even have something in that ad about being tied to a tree, but still, for some unexplainable reason, this just set off all kinds of warning bells in my head. I think it is the "succuluded" combined with the "looked" gate that gets me nervous...

.....it puts the lotions on its little hands, it does....

Why guys can't get laid (Part I)

nospam@example.com () — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 01:41:40 -0500

personal ad responses

Most of these are responses to a personal ad I posted late one night last spring with the heading "You're gonna do WHAT to me?!?", a picture of me bent over a stool, and the text "I've been a very good girl."

I was soliciting creative fantasies but I was sorely disappointed.

The subject line, if any, is the first line, followed by the message body and any response or reaction of mine:

You?re gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32call591XXXX dave
(NO SUBJECT OR ANYTHING, JUST A PHONE # AND NAME IN THE SUBJECT LINE!!!)

your nice ass
hey there girl, add me to msn presumptuousass@hotmail.com whatever...just hit me back and we can chat

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
You into 23 year olds who are 5'9 w/ an athletic build and willing to do what ever it is you want?

You?re gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
Have you truly been good ? Cause bad is so much more interesting darlin ......mmmmmmm till later ?
xoxox D

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
well first im gonna you no.and than im gonna ya know. and than your gonna smile and say more and im gonna ya know... wanna hear more lets chat..

(no subject)
hi

good girl huh?
Well, if you've really been a good girl then I guess you deserve to have that beautiful ass kissed, not spanked. Write me back if you're interested.

Good girl?
Call me when you're being bad... maybe i can spank that hot ass of yours.

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
I want to chew on your soft Pussy.........
I really really want to bite you.... Maybe even make you bleed...

Okay, my hands are tied behind my back...
On your knees

Re: Re: You're gonna do WHAT to me
HOT HOT HOT....... Would love to massage you!!!
Very, very, very nice, would like to see more.

hmmmmmm!!!
sometimes good girls need to be spanked so they have a little bad in their day. smack smack, now stand in the corner until I tell you what I want you to do next.
Nice pic.

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
And a very good girl deserves a very good ?

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
What won't you let me do? I would sure as hell bend you over that chair in 48 different ways.

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
Hi sexy brat. What mischief are you up to?
You have a sexy body. What is your instant messenger (AOL, Yahoo, MSN, etc) and I'll tell you how I can do kinky things to you?

really....
i can be a dynamic and talented person. you certainly look like you deserve it...

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
Now that has my interest.
Tell me more
that would be having you after a great dinner, you would be desert. perhaps not having you so up right on that stool your next too..
how was that for starters??
and no reply??
I thought you also looked like you need to be taken care of by a gentleman.. dinners, money, etc
Actually, I was hoping to hear your kinky fantasy...
Perhaps. Do you have a picture?
yes, but yours first
fuck off. you responded to my picture, dipshit.
lol..lol.. cunt, I responded to a photo of someone near a stool you can't view..

You're gonna do WHAT to me?? - 32
Good girl?
Call me when you're being bad... maybe i can spank that hot ass of yours.
Good girls need spankings, too.
mmmmmm
are you a good girl that needs a spanking?
that's right
where u at today?
where did u go?
:-(
Yay spankings!!!
How old are you, Josh? Do you have a picture? Are you Dom?
I'm 27
I've never done this sub/dom thing but it sounds like fun. I'm naturally assertive in the sack... if that helps. And yes, pic attached. (6'3" dark brown hair blue eyes)
how am i ever going to get in to that if i can't find anyone to do it with?
If you are really interested, there are ways to find out more. I suggest you do a LOT of reading before trying to get into it. I'm personally not interested in training someone right now because I already have some one of experience.
You are really cute, btw.
thanks

(no subject)
i want to do all types of things to you.....wanna play?
Like what, specifically?
well i would love to strip you naked, and bury my head between your legs and suck on your clit while playing with your pussy.....then slowly roll you over and fuck you from behind while I rub your clit.....the list goes on and on
(....but it DIDN'T, did it?)

You're gonna do WHAT to me??
hi my name is X im 29 yrs old im from anderson calif im 5'9 170 lbs im bald with blue eyes im single and looking i have a full-time job i like to listen to music i like to hang out withfriends i like to watch movies i like to go to the movies i like to watch sports i like to play sports i like to go to the clubs i like to have a good time night out i like to have fun my favortive color is blue i like to drive around town with my best friends
(I love the fact that he told me his favorite color is blue...)

----------------------------------
Forwarded Conversation
Subject: You Need a Mature Man

Ok,
Your intelligent, articulate, and very....very sexy. But I think you need a mature man like me, 44, tall, physically fit and strong enough to place you over my knee so that I can spank that gorgeous soft ass of yours.
I'm a well respected professional man here in Chico that is looking for, well, a girl like you. Someone that needs a strong, firm man like me to teach her the art of being a submissive pleasing woman.....all within bounds that you are comfortable with. I like to play naughty and take things to
the limit, but I'm also very respectful of women, especially those whom know
what they want.
I'm tall, strong, powerful, handsome, very fit, and very sexual........I like to make the experience last a long, long time for both of us.....I love orgasmic anticipation. Sometimes you get a hunch for people, I think you and I might? Does this inspire you?

You got all that from six lines in the heading and six in the body? Wow. You, Sir, are truly a master at reading between the lines. I am impressed. I almost suspect that we have talked before, but perhaps under a different email? Please send a picture to either confirm or deny my suspicions. Thank you.

Sunshinegypsylove:
I love the name.....it fits my mental picture of you completely.
No, we have never met, call it intuitation..... I am just very intuitive.
You want a picture, I'll send you one, but I want to tell you something first. I'm married... not a normal marriage, my wife does not care what I do as long as I'm discreet. I'm not only a tall, handsome, strong man, I'm a pretty fucking honest one.
So, with that said, is that something you have a problem with.....or is it something that makes the whole consept me, hopefully....eventually... giving you a nice spanking more arousing?
Oh, and I liked that you calle dme Sir.....

Oh, and then there is the News & Review Spicy personals ad that I put up and completely forgot about until I get something like the following out of the blue. I've probably made them over $1500 in revenue from my ad. More clueless responses, but remember that THESE guys actually paid money to send these mangled missives:

YOUR MASTER DADDY,THE HORNET

HI I AM THE HORNET,
i have over 25 years experience in all froms of sm/bd.i am a fromer menber of janice and the dungeon,i am firm and vocal,you want the BEST DADDY,YOU GOT THE BEST,I LOVE giveing spanking,once you been spanking you will never for get,thats why they call me the hornet for my FAMOUS STING,i am know has the hornet though the u.s.a.and canada.when you dont follow my instructions,then you will feel the hornet sting on your bottom.but when you are good, then go shoping movies,etc.i would want to finger fuck you.and then you finger fuck yourself.i am not into massive pain at all.i am 44 and 64 and half i have a shaved head,blue eyes, a gotee and a 19 inch neck and a 57 inch chest and a hairy chest, and i have 7 and half inch tongue. i want you to be by babygirl.i want you to email me some pic of you and your feet. understand!here is my email add.
you email me i will email you with some pic of hornet,your new daddy.i am for real.i expect you to be.thank you for read the email,dont let me down!have a good evening the hornet,

MMMM MMMMM MMMMMMMM
I AM THE MAN YOU NEED TO MAKE YOU SCREAM. I AM GREAT AT EATING PUSSY, AND I LOVE TO FUCK HARD AND FAST. MY DICK RUNS DEEP. LET TALK.

Time to play
I am married and need a woman to play with- you are it...email me and let me know what time tomorrow I can come by and of course where you will be waiting for me

I am going to...
Well... I would love to bend you over and stick my finger up your pussy while I lick your ass. Watch you crawl on the floor in your little panties. Have you stick your tits in my face on command! Watch your ass in the mirror while you swallow my cock!

Of course, the best part about this site is the voice messages. It's like I've got my very own private collection of incoherent heavy breather porn. If I didn't actually have a life, I would love to transcribe them here sometime. Personal ads can be so educational.

I got stopped by The Man

nospam@example.com () — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 09:43:00 -0500

Fuck, I knew it. If ever there was a day to get pulled over by the cops, today was the day. A long weekend of road trips and partying was finally over. I'd just dropped off my partner in crime and was heading home for some well deserved rest. We'd been smoking all day and it smelled like I had both Cheech and Chong huffing in the backseat with Willie Nelson riding shotgun.

I saw the first cop when I turned the corner from her unit. He was parked there stalking my my ex boyfriend/best friend's ex husband's trailer. Yes, it's a small town, and an even smaller trailer park. No big surprise to see the cops there. The ex and his latest soon to be ex wife are always fighting, and hell, it's a trailer park. Those places breed drama.

So I played it cool and kept driving, doing my good trailer park crawl. I briefly wondered if my vehicle was wafting pot smoke under the officer's nostrils as he kicked off the brake and started following me with his lights off.

I stopped at the trailer park exit for a moment to regroup and figure out where I was headed. I'm house sitting tonight so I needed to hit my tent first for some work clothes to bring with me for the morning. I hit the blinker and turned. The cop followed, still with lights off.

So I start driving, and I'm cool. I'm not driving too fast. I'm not driving too slow. I have my seat belt on. All my lights are working. Every thing's cool. His lights go on. Fuck. Fine.

I pull over and turn everything off. I fish out my driver's license and rip the hippie bandanna off my head so that my rumpled little girl braids are showing. He takes forever to get out of his car and approach me. He must have been waiting for backup because when I finally looked, there were three sets of bright twirly lights behind me. I must be one mean, scary looking hippie chick, tell you what...

He finally walks up and starts talking to me when he is still out of my range of vision, literally in my blind spot. He opens with some standard cop line like "How are we doing this evening?" as he walks up to me.

I pop right back with "I'm doing good. What's going on'?" in a relaxed semi throaty voice as I give him my all my police state papers. I'm not really worried. Fuck it, no one can hurt me. I'm on top of the world. I just got trussed up and suspended by a world class photographer, and that was just tonight. I'm not even going to go into what happened last night other than to say I still haven't managed to wipe the permagrin off my face. I'm sore, I'm bruised, and I've got rope burns but no goddamn cop is going to piss on my parade, especially when I've got a hot tub waiting for me at the end of this long and exhausting weekend.

He starts giving me some talk about a call, and some kind of disturbance, yadda yadda yadda. I'm not really interested. Like I give a fuck why he's there. He asked me what I was doing and I told him I'd just dropped off a friend after a long road trip and was headed home.

I asked him why he pulled me over and he told me I hadn't signaled. I said, "That's funny, because I remember signaling. Which signal is out?". Then he tells me that I had signaled right then turned left. I can't argue. He might have been right. Can't blame a gal for being nervous, what with a cop crawling up her ass and all.

About this time another officer walks up to my passenger side. "Smells like you've been smoking weed in here", he says.

"That's right".

"You got any in here now?" In a knee jerk reaction I said "No", then he asked me if I was sure. Duh. I immediately thought better.

"Oh yeah, of course. I've got weed all over the place." I smile at him real big.

"So, do you have your card?"

"Sure do." He asks to see it and I whip it out. He asks me what my medical condition is and I tell him it's between me and my doctor. I tell him I've been smoking in the vehicle all day while it was parked but that I hadn't been driving. This is necessary truth because, dear god, it really reeks. Joints are stinky, and we'd probably smoked over half a dozen over the last 24 hours. Not to mention my sticky, stinky fingers...

They talk amongst themselves. I can tell how much they hate not having a reason to bust me. But that's the beauty of living in a free fascist state - as long as you have the proper papers signed by an officially sanctioned authority figure, well, you're one of them...or something.

They try another approach. Cop 2 leans in the passenger window and looks around. "Got anything illegal in here?". Okay, I do want to mention that I do know how to avoid this sort of thing but that it is extremely difficult if not impossible to avoid search in a vehicle that doesn't lock. In fact, my windows don't even roll up right now. Whatever. I give some serious thought to his question and tell him so.

"Nope, nothing illegal, and I just inventoried, officer." Okay, so I'm a smart ass. Did I mention I'd been falling asleep all the way back to Chico? So I'm a little punch drunk. Sue me.

"Why do you keep looking in the back?" he asks. No way out of it now. He's suspicious. I'm having a really hard time restraining myself from giggling as I think about what's in the back of my bronco.

"Nothing illegal" I says, "but maybe a little kinky".

"Kinky?" His eyes light up. "What do you mean by that?" I just blush and don't say anything. Fuck it. Game on. I'm having fun now. This isn't the first time I've been searched. I actually have a certain amount of perverse pleasure in making cops waste their time digging through my trash. I don't keep a tidy vehicle, to say the least.

Officer 1 asks me to step out of the vehicle so they can search it. I tell them where my big blue tin of shake is and show them the little organic mints tin in my purse with its crumbled buds, last big fatty joint and collection of sad little roaches. "Oh yes, and there's roaches everywhere," I happily tell him.

Officers 2 and 3 are quietly fighting over who has to search the bronco. Honestly, I don't know why they do this if they don't enjoy it...

Officer 1 tries the smooth approach again. "So, if you don't mind me asking, what's your condition?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like discussing my private medical information, Sir. Is that all right?" Big smile. Big blue eyes batting. Did I mention that all three of these officers were young, and cute? I love my life.

Whenever I get pulled over by the cops or have to do public speaking, my legs start shaking and my whole body starts trembling. It's all I can do to keep this from being visible. The last time this happened with cops they tried to bust me on DUI because my pulse was too high, if you can believe that...

It was also surprisingly cold for August. We'd had a sea breeze hitting us all the way back north. I had my Park Watch jacket on and was hugging myself to keep from shaking on the side of the road with cop 1 trying to make conversation while his unlucky compatriots rummaged through my truck.

"So, you volunteer for the Park, huh?" he asks. I just nod. It's pretty obvious. I'm wearing an ugly bright green windbreaker with "City of Chico Park Watch Volunteer" written on the front in conspicuous yellow letters. "What else do you do?"

"I go to school, and I work part time...for an attorney." I have to admit, that last part was really fun to say. What else ya got, boys? Come on, really. Fuck with me. Please. I like it....

So, then it becomes time to play the guess her intoxication level game. "Are you feeling the effects of your last dose of medication now?"

"No, sir. What I'm feeling is the embarrassment I'm suffering as your partner goes through my personal effects. Hey - careful - that's a video camera in there!" I'm trying really really hard NOT to mentally inventory everything in the back of the bronco. Blankets, trash, countless pairs of panties, caution tape, a duct tape body sheath, and 2 or 3 bags of possibly innocuous looking assorted dollar store items that all look suspiciously like they could be used to spank someone, or something...god only knows what's back there...well, god and these cops, now...

Cop 1 tells me not to worry, they don't care as long as it isn't illegal. I laugh and tell him, "It's okay. I would be a lot more worried if I thought for a moment that he had any idea what half of that stuff is used for. Then I'd be really embarrassed." I can see the itch in the back of his eyes as he tries oh so carefully to keep his eyes on me and not used his suddenly wished for X-ray vision on my personal belongings. I considered for a moment unsnapping the jacket to really give him something to think about but the urge quickly passed.

In an old duffel from one of my first photo shoots the searching cop pulls out another big blue cookie tin. Wow, I'm thinking, did I really leave another tin of pot just floating around forgotten in there? It wouldn't surprise me, I guess. "What's in that one, anyway, officer?" I ask him as he puts it back.

"A whole bunch of condoms," he says. "Better safe than sorry, right?" I'm having a real hard time not just falling to the ground in freaking hysterics right about this time. I remember that tin now. It also had a double fistful of personal lubricant sample packets I picked up in health class. I just smirk and say, "That's right."

They clearly don't know what to make of me. They hand me back my papers and all just stand there smiling and looking useless, with the lights of their 3 cruisers swirling hypnotically behind them.

I smile and walk away. "Thank you and goodnight." I very slowly put all my various papers back in their proper places and ease the truck back onto the road. About a half mile along the road the laughter overtook me and I had to slow myself down to keep from getting a speeding ticket as I sped away laughing like a madwoman into the night.